R.E.S.P.E.C.T

So now at work I am responsible for people and they are responsible to me. This is cool and a good step but raises an issue I have mentioned here before. Respect. Or more precisely my difficulty in making it clear to others that I should be treated with respect and that it is not a one way process.

So here laid out bare is the problem: someone is slightly disrespectful to me, I give them the benefit of the doubt. They do it again and again I give them the enefit of the doubt. A third time? I tell them to stop. They accuse me of overreacting. Because bey they've done it twice before without me saying it is unacceptable, right?

Of course the real problem is that I under-reacted the first few times. I did not draw the line in the sand marked "do not cross" I let them get away with it.

I struggle to mark my boundaries while still being nice. A supid part of me is still always eager to please and desperate to be liked. But I want to be respected more. My good friends like and respect me. And in a work environment? Well respect has to come first. Would I still like people to like me? Heck yes. But I need them to treat me with respect as well. And though I try to treat everyone I meet with respect, not everyone is like that. Some people go through life convinced they are better than everyone else. But that does not mean they can speak down to me. Because I know they are not better, the best people in this world treat others with respect and kindness not with scorn.

Safe places?

For years the internet was for me a "safe place" a place where if people were rude to me, or grating on me or generally being unpleasant I could go for a bit of a break.

It started with a forum for fans of a Canadian folk rock group where there were many grammar pedants and many flame wars (particularly over grammar, religion and politics) but where the overall vibe was friendly and welcoming. And then I moved onto another forum which is exceptionally well moderated (which means no flame wars) but where I am increasingly feeling unwelcome, which is a shame. I think ti goes with a fair few people I was once very close to (and who I became close to via that forum) making me feel increasingly unwelcome whether they mean to or not.

But I know the usual place I would vent about that is on said forum. It would be where I would let loose the hurt feelings knowing people would only read them if they wanted to so not feel like I was needlessly unburdening myself on a lot of people. But I don't feel like that is a space I can turn to anymore. It is no longer a "safe place" for me and when I try to engage with it, I often come away feeling sad.

This is a real shame as I am still connected to a lot of wonderful people I met through that forum (such as Matthew among others) and also those who I met through those I met on the forum. Most of my London based social network is linked to that place but I am not anymore.

I'm not in any rush to go and delete my account and maybe once the sun is shining again I will find a moment to reconnect with it all but for now it seems a bit lost to me. Which is a real shame. The bigger shame though is the loss of the people. I don't quite know what to do about that.

Shuffle Your Feet

So I've been thinking about what I want to do next

I could let the health being a bit rubbish get to me or I could do something about it and I have decided to see if I can do something about it.

So I am thinking about the future and what I want to see happen to my life. Basically I am resurrecting the positive mental attitude that keeps me going.

It kind of woke up on Sunday morning where I felt good to be at home and in bed and looking at a man I love and that kind of thing. And then went into me wanting to leave the house! Really and go to see "Up" and to make myself look pretty.

I think watching "Up" helped a lot too, it made me cry so much but was such an uplifting movie and so heartbreaking and joyful. It also kick started my positive mental attitude and restored some of sense of wonder at the world we live in and what it is possible to achieve. I reckon that is kind of cool too.

I also realised that when I was kind of in the depths of my low mood this time I responded by booking and appointment with my doctor as I know that this mood is being triggered by my hormones being messed up either by the medication I was on, me coming off that medication or a combination of the two.

Having said all that I resolved to do all the simple things to make me feel better. I am eating fruit, I am sleeping well and I am moving my body to get those feel good endorphins that are rare at this time of year. I'm also enjoying very much having windows at work that mean I get a good dose of daylight every day (even more if I go out and have a wee walk in the daylight)

So basically I know that the meds are partly to blame for me feeling quasy and lethargic and moody but I know I can do something about it too and I am and it feels kind of good.

There is a still a wee hill to climb right now but I know I can get there which is kind of hopeful and makes me rather happy.

So all in all I reckon things have come out okay. And they will come out okay. And I only have two weeks left until my annual leave (2 whole days) which should also help with me recovering from feeling so exhausted and so on. And then there is the Christmas break - hurrah for holidays and having lots of time off to recharge a little and then back to hit the new year in style with a refreshed body and mind. And possibly some (longish term) resolutions for a change, as I am getting a better picture of where I want to be now I know I am with the person I want to be with (and know where he wants to be)

P.S -rat poison update - Dad is really showing he is not a rat and has responded so well to the rat poison they have reduced his dosage already! Hurrah for rat poison.

Friday

Wow. And hurrah for it being Friday.

At the moment I am still happy and life is still good but I am not entirely healthy.

Basically I am no longer on any medication as I took a crazy risk to see if it would be okay. And it turns out it is not. I shall be seeing a doctor soon though to see what next. It may be that I need another round of blood tests but it may be more straightforward than that and that would be groovy too, but right now I juts feel all purpose rubbish in terms of my healthiness which is beginning to infect my good mood with a hint of being sad.

As is a bit of news I got last week about Dad. He is still recovering well but there has been (since just after his heart attack) a hardening of the veins in his left arm and as it does not seem to be going away they want to put him on some very scary medication (rat poison) which is on a minimum script of six months and requires weekly blood tests. This means the holiday plans mum and dad had need to be written off as he needs to stay in the country for the duration of the script. He is not happy and I can tell that both him and mum are a little scared (though Dad prefers "freaked out" he thinks it sounds cooler).

It is just a little scary. And with my own health being a bit rubbish it is getting to me more than usual.

My response? I am sat in my office with the radiator on, drying my trainers and listening to Christmas music far too early (I generally can never feel Christmassy until after my brother's birthday in November). And I have to say there is a certain charm in listening to a German punk band singing about 2a pub in Inverness that never shuts its door".

But yes. I am generally happy and fulfilled but with a hint of blue due to both me and my dad being poorly. But I know I shall be sorting myself out soon and hopefully the rat poison will make my Dad better too. After all he is not a rat.

social networking, version control and life

Social networking actually seems to be working for me at the moment. I am going to finally get round to catching up with someone I have not seen in ten years and am beginning to work up to trying to catch up with yet another friend I have not seen in 10 years (and trying not to think about the fact this means it is ten years since I left school)

Thing is both these people were fairly significant friends. One I spent lots of time at the house of and hanging out with her and her sister and loving "Last Christmas" by Wham with and the other I spent about two hours a day with just making up stupid things, talking about South Park, skating, manga and anime and just general nonsense. Last time I saw him I was scared by how tall he had got. That is about it. But we seem to have started following each other on facebook and still seem to have stuff in common so that could be good.

So basically that stuff is pretty cool and the fact that twitter does seem to be keeping me in contact with people and that I am finding time to read blogs is all kind of good. I seem to be gradually working towards the sort of work/life balance that could allow me to do some more extra-curricular activities and have more on my plate again but I want to take it slow. I'm not sure if there will reach a point again where I am running a charity concert, setting up a new volunteer project, doing something else fairly full on (in that case going to University) managing the training of volunteers and holding down a job and a relationship. When I have that much on something has got to give and that time the thing that gave was me. So I learned from that and hope not to kill myself with too much stuff again, when life gets hectic I take time out to step back from it all and that is most definitely a good thing.

One thing social networking is not doing is helping me get back in touch with a former colleague who made me smile lots and had cool music taste and was funny and helpful and kind and a really good person to have in my life as he does not do the social networking thing. I may need to do some more work to get that friendship going again. Or let it go, but frankly there are so many good people I have let drift out of my life as I thought they did not want me in theirs, or because I thought they were too cool, or interesting or important (or famous) for me to be friends with that I kind of kicked the friendship into touch before it could get good and I don't want to do that again. At the same time, I have been hurt by friends too so am trying to keep a bit of me back for me too. It's a tricky balancing act but one I feel better equipped to do now, partly because of what I have learned and partly because I have a good bedrock now in having someone who loves me so much it takes away the needy insecurity which makes me too open, too keen to be quirky or silly and allows me to just be me, not some version of me designed to impress others.

But version control is still needed and appropriate sometimes. Particularly when you write a blog. And that blog is public. But I'm sure you all know that.

And it has me considering getting a locked blog for the angst and what not but that kind of defeats the point of blogging for me (not that I think blogging should be about angst) as I think blogging should be in part a record for you, and in part something designed to amuse you and your friends and all that jazz.

Anyway I shall give it some thought and also think about the reason I started blogging in the first place, which is to help me keep writing when I have writers block. But now blogging has replaced the other writing. So maybe I need to find a way to keep both going. That could be my start on having a bit more going on.

Whooooo

Apparently I am not the only one getting vivid dreams/ nightmares at the moment. Matthew seems to be doing the same and apparently so is Simon but right now it seems to be seeping into my waking life. Maybe because of the time of year or maybe because i have been messing too much with my body.

Until the last month or so I was on all sorts of artificial hormones and now I am not. This is making me feel all kinds of odd but mostly queasy and emotional. I'm going to check in with the doctors in a few weeks to see if all this is normal but for now I am riding it out. It would be good to know that I could cope without taking tablets every day but if I need them, I need them so I will see what happens.

This is somewhat taking the sheen off how lovely things are really but for the most part I am still happy and smiley and loved so that will do for now. And the whirlwind is still amazing but today little niggles got to me (like waiting for a delayed train in the cold) and made me get grumpy and then annoyed at myself for feeling grumpy. But then Christielli's blog showed me that it is okay to get mad sometimes so I felt better.

Right now for some hot chocolate and lots of water and then I shall hopefully feel like myself again (and typing that has given me a Brendan Benson earworm which is always a good thing)

The Days Are Just Packed

Life has taken a turn for the busy. Students knocking on the door, running round the building, camembert in the office making it smell cheesy, family visits, events, comic conventions you name it, it's happening.

And in the middle of it all I can't stop smiling. I may feel exhausted for the time being, but this is my whirlwind and I love it.