I was reading on twitter at the end of last year Anna from Skin and Blister (she is inspiring me a lot lately as you can probably tell) writing about finding a word for the year and I've been struggling to come up with something.
And here is my word now: gen·u·ine
Truly what something is said to be; authentic: "genuine leather".
I kept the synonyms in this post as most of them have been in the running for being the word for me and I'm still toying with honest to a degree.
Here is the thing. Last year I think I felt a bit off for a lot of the year and I think it is because I was not being very true to myself. Not the genuine article, not the me I am in my head.
I listened to new music a lot less than normal, I drank a lot more than normal, I ate a lot more than normal, I hid, I lied to myself, I punished myself.
I spent a year trying to fit this round peg into a square hole of what I thought I needed to be, or what other people might expect of me and it led to me feeling trapped and stuck and lost all at once. There were shining days when I did not feel like that (notably our wedding) but so much of the time was me being who I thought I needed to be.
The longer the year went on the further I moved from the image I have of myself in my head. The person I want to be. The person I know I already have all the bits in me to become. That is who I want to be this year. It means no more excuses to myself but being honest, genuine and true.
It also means that even though I've not picked true as a word I'm going to have True by Spandau Ballet stuck in my head all year. That and this: